I grew up in a Christian family. Since childhood I knew that God exists. I attended the Sunday school, read my Bible, and knew how to pray. I liked the Christian ethics. But then my teenage years came, the time when you want to reevaluate everything that has been safe and clear and to find answers.

This made me realize more and more that regardless of my good Christian upbringing and knowledge about God something was radically wrong in my relationship with Him. One has to remember that it was the time of communism and atheism when it was taught there is no God and believers were considered to be uneducated. The official Christianity was formal, without any deeper revelation. Faith was basically expressed by all kinds of prohibitions and isolation.

But already then I knew that there was no way I would live without God. I did not want to leave Him, His laws, and requirements. I did not want to go to look for happiness in the world and repent of my sins when I would be old. I had this conviction in me: God created the world for me instead of creating me for the world therefore it is not normal that people leave God and sin in order to have what they need. That would not be logical. The belief that life with God is grey, gloomy, and sad and that the only thing He wants is obedience and holiness which means to renounce everything that is nice, seemed unacceptable to me. If God created me the way He did with this inner need for beauty, love, joy, and happiness, it was impossible that I would have to go away from God and look over the fence where "the grass is greener". Thank God already then I realized that the fault is with us, not with God.

A LOT WORSE THAN IT SEEMED
I was getting more concerned that something was wrong with me. When I read the Bible, it condemned me because everywhere I saw God's requirements from me and my utter inability to fulfill them. I was like a hypocrite that was saying one thing but doing something else. I could not get myself together. I felt myself black and dirty. On the one hand, I was afraid that others wpuld notice it, on the other hand, every time somebody was praising me for my works or words, I wanted to open my heart and shout: look, what I am really like!

I was alarmed by the feeling that if I closed my eyes for the last time that night, I knew that all my nice prayers and right knowledge would not help me to get to heaven. I was so insecure about myself and my future. And there was a burning longing for something great, wonderful, and strong. I was unhappy! What was happening to me? What should I do? I believed in God, I even loved Him but I knew I would be in hell. That was terrible! I remember how often at nights I was overwhelmed by deep feelings of pain and coldness that God exists but I am separated from Him by a large breach. And I did not know how to get to the other side.

THEN IT HAPPENED
One night when I was already in my bed suddenly a warm light came from the door filling the whole room. I do not know if my eyes remained open or if it was like a vision but I saw Jesus coming in through the door. I cannot describe His appearance even though every time I think about Him I see Him with the eyes of my spirit, and at such moments I am always surrounded by the same inexpressible sense of happiness. He had come for my sake. I knew that clearly and out of reverence I was frozen in His presence.

He asked me: Liga, do you love me?

Jesus' voice went through all of my being. I remember I answered: yes, I love you, Lord.

Slowly He repeated His question: Liga, do you love me?

I do not remember what I answered Him but when He asked for the third time, it happened.

Within a second different thought raced through my heart: Love? What does it mean to love? Do I love? How do I love? I love my parents. Even though we often argue, especially with my father, I would give my life for them. Brothers? Even though we sometimes do not get along too well, as soon as I imagined that something wrong might happen to them, my heart would ache. Love? It has to do with the heart. But Jesus? Do I love Him? I remember how I used to pinch myself in my arm during the Holy Communion so I could imagine at least a little bit how Jesus had suffered for me and that would cause me to shed a tear. I remember how I was baptized believing that He is and knowing this was the right thing to do. But do I love? Do I love so that my heart would ache?

And then I found myself on the floor. I felt like I was a sack made from a hard material, full of all kinds of uncleanness, pains, fears, and hatred. His hand had taken hold of me, and everything that was in me started to gush out of me!

It is impossible not to love Him! How could I live without Him? Jesus! I cried and cried and cried. Those were heavy tears - tears of pain and tears of regret. I did not know how long time it took! It seemed like eternity. I had this feeling that I was getting freed from everything that accused, oppressed, and frightened me. I was being washed and washed and washed. It felt like this large dark sack was being transformed into a clean, transparent cellophane bag. That was a feeling of cleanness, happiness, and immense easiness!

You do not have to believe me but I suddenly saw that my name was written with burning golden letters in heaven and at that moment the flames of fire fell over the empty bag and I was filled with the fire of the Holy Spirit. I started crying and shouting but now those were the tears of inexpressible joy, happiness, and love!

I was delivered! I was washed! I had met Jesus!

It took a long time before I understood what had happened to me. It took me a long time before I understood that Jesus had forgiven my sins, carried me over the breach to the Father and baptized with the Holy Spirit and obviously with fire, too. Only later I discovered Jesus had asked the same questions to the apostle Peter. Only later I understood I had had an experience similar to Cornelius' in Acts 10. He had saved and baptized me with the Holy Spirit at the same time because at that time nobody was teaching about the baptism in the Holy Spirit in churches. That was a prohibited subject but God knew I would not be able to live without His power.

 

A METAMORPHOSIS
However, there were changes I noticed immediately. First of all, I experienced a radical change in myself. The old things had gone away. I had God's supernatural peace and joy in me. God's love was overfilling my heart and it awakened previously unknown courage and desire for God to use me. Before this I could not stand two kinds of people - drunkards and soldiers but now I found myself leaning towards a drunken person in the street trying to somehow help him. Before this I used to enter the church trying not to be noticed by anyone because I was afraid of being ridiculed but now I started to climb the church stairs slowly and proudly so more people would see it and follow me. When I was driving in a bus I noticed myself praying for everyone there so they would be saved just like I was saved. I could go on with this list but the main change took place in my relationship with God.

I was reading the Word of God with different eyes. I was crying and I was laughing with my Bible. I talked to Jesus. I saw Jesus. He spoke to me. I was feeding on His promises with great joy and hunger. The Word was strengthening, teaching, delivering, and building me. How come I had not noticed all the Scriptures and promises about forgiveness, baptisms in the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues, healing, etc.

The most significant changes took place in my prayer life. The desire to pray, faith to pray and receive, the enjoyment of prayer, understanding that nothing will happen without prayer, and daring to invite others to pray, were the things that motivated me to move forward. God was revealing His truths and I could not keep them to myself. I was using them, seeing that they work and beginning to share them with others. That is how different ministries were born and I gradually became a minister.

I love you, Jesus!

You are my great and perfect Love. You are my life.

I am the happiest person in the world because You found me and I belong to You.

Yes, now I know! I love You, Jesus!

 



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