Gentile, and even more - a woman

The beginning of my ministry was full of painful moments, tears, and reproaches towards God and myself that I cried out in prayer: "If You created me as a woman, then why did You put this immense longing in me to serve You?"

Since youth I was active and involved in different ministries - I was singing, declaiming poetry, serving in Sunday school, helping cooks, taking care of the elderly. It was natural that as time went by my responsibilities grew. But at the same time the desire to preach, teach, and pray for people grew which was so contrary to what was acceptable at that time. I deliberately tried to destroy this desire. I was praying a lot about men. Sometimes I even did not go to some meetings or discussions and told God: "Please, raise up and use men. You know I am a Gentile and even more - a woman."

I do not know if anyone has received so many prophecies, confirmations, and signs that God has chosen that person in ministry at a young age like I did. There were several reasons for that – the Soviet time, stereotypes, lack of revelation, human opinions and my low self-esteem.

It seems all guest ministers who ministered in our church with a prophetic Word were prophesying to me about my calling. I remember a pastor from Finland who once came to our Baptist church. After the meeting he made the altar call to all people who wanted to be healed. I told God: You have proved so many times that You want to use me. Still I feel like You have written a sentence that has no period. Please, put the period! I need this and I promise not to disturb You about this matter any more (at least I thought so). I decided to come to the front but keep quiet about what I need and then let the miracle happen. I heard how all people before me expressed what they wanted to be prayed for. I thought to myself that I have asked for an impossible thing and how to get out of the situation and not lie that I was not sick. Then it was my turn. He took my hands and it was like a voice from heaven: "Thus says the Lord, my dear daughter..."

I remember it was cold and slippery and I fell on my way home but I felt no pain because there was a hurricane of joy in my heart! I had received the period! He had put a period to a long sentence that He had written in my heart!

I think you understand my dear reader that all my problems were not over yet. I had so many fears and insecurities that it took 12 years to receive healing from them.

Just a few years ago I was very upset at one Christian interview I had been to. When I agreed to the interview I thought I would be asked questions about Jesus, how I have experienced Him, and what He meant for me. I was sure that Christians of the 21st century will no longer speak about hair and coverings. Therefore I was taken by surprise when I was asked: Are you not a competitor to your husband and don't you have anything else to do?

It was like I had decided myself one day to jump into ministry.

OH, YOU SERVANT OF THE LETTER!
Now I get angry if after ministering in some church a Christian man comes up to me and instead of talking about how the preached Word has touched his heart starts saying: "But isn't it written that women cannot..." I consider it to be spiritual obscurantism. I want to answer in such cases: "Oh, you servant of the letter! If you are so worried about everything the Word says being done properly then start with yourself! First of all, love God above everything else, be thankful for all things and rejoice always because that is an order!"

Of course, I take it to my heart that for some of them it is hard to accept my ministry. I have prayed about it. I really do not care if someone cannot stand me or does not respect me as a woman but it is no good if such stereotypes hinder him to receive from God through my ministry. However, in recent years I have fully committed this matter to the Lord because He is the one who chooses and He is the one who uses someone as He sees it fit. He is he Lord over everything. And the result is good.

OH THAT IT WOUD NEVER STOP

Yes. I was struggling with God but again the old saying was right: Your gift will find you. If God has called you He will provide the opportunities to enter the calling.

Thus the first time came when the pastor Arnis Silis told me to lead the Wednesday prayer meeting (no woman was doing such things at that time). When I objected he simply said: “Are you married? Yes. Do you have a child? Yes. Will your husband bless you for ministry? Yes, he will. Then go!

The first time came when my husband went on a trip to Israel and entrusted me to lead the whole church meeting. There was the first time I was invited to preach in a conference, the first time I preached in United States. The first time the Holy Spirit told me to pray for the sick in the church meeting, the first time I prophesied to men in church. The first time I sang the song God had given to me, the first time I was declaiming my own poetry.

So many things have been in my life for the first time. When I am writing this at the end of year 2006 I can say that during this past year the opportunities to do things for the first time have multiplied immensely. I think it is a good sign and I desire that it would never cease in my life!